The Power of Being Told, “No!”

We have a super old, tiny little netbook laptop that we occasionally allow the kids to use for writing projects. This thing is so decrepit and was used for so little that it doesn’t even have a trial version of Word on it. Also, we’re afraid to hook it up to the internet because we fear what the time-travel to the current state of powerful and virus-ridden programs might do to it. Plus, we wouldn’t (without monitoring) give our kids something that can be hooked up to the internet, anyway.

So! This old, tiny laptop is kind of perfect for the use of our kids.

We don’t let them use it often, though, and today, when my boy asked if he could use it, I told him, “No.”

After going through the usual question-answer-upset cycle, my son did something that has become a bit too regular that I’ve been thinking about a lot.

“I wish I could write on the laptop…there’s nothing else to do…I wish I could write on the laptop…”

And so it goes. On and on. He doesn’t really whine, it’s not exactly addressed to me, and it’s usually pretty quiet, so his words don’t necessarily draw enough attention that I feel that I have to talk to him about it right away. It’s about the twentieth time, though, when I finally realize that he’s still sitting there complaining.

Well, a light bulb went off today! After we had this exact conversation, I observed him quietly laying on the ground, softly complaining to nobody in particular. And that’s when it hit me.

Jonah was going through the same process we all go through during trials. That whole cycle-of-grieving, thing, but on a very small scale.

1. Denial and isolation; 2. Anger; 3. Bargaining; 4. Depression; 5. Acceptance.

Watching him on the floor, I realized he was on number four: Depression. Maybe mixed a little with Bargaining–he still wasn’t over Bargaining yet.

As often as I do it–and don’t like it–I realized how good it was for me to tell him “No.” If I never tell him no, then he won’t learn how to work through the grief cycle when his trials are much bigger, or think more creatively about a problem and actually solve it. Or move on.

It then hit me; how often do I sit there, symbolically laying on the floor, wishing for something that I can’t have, instead of quickly accepting that I’ve been told “no” and coming up with a creative solution to the problem? Probably a lot, my friends.

Realizing exactly what was happening, which felt like an answer to my prayers because, quite frankly, this has been happening a little too often, we had a chat. I was glad I’d gotten him to Depression–it’s easier for him to listen than when he’s in the Bargaining stage–but it was time to Accept and move on.

When I repeated that he couldn’t have the laptop right now and pointed out that he could be having fun instead of laying on the ground, he sort of agreed. Then, I asked him exactly what he was going to do instead. Amazingly, his attitude switched pretty instantly. After we worked through a few options, he chose one and he went off to play with some Star Wars toys. Good, job, son. You used LightSpeed to jet yourself into Acceptance!

Being a parent has about a million pros, but one of my favorites are these kinds of moments when I see something in a simple form in a small problem, from which we both learn together.

With the start of 2017 comes a list of goals that will require stamina, physical and mental strength, as well as discipline to accomplish. In one way or another along my path, I know I will often be told, “No”, but I’m glad I had this insight today. It’s just another reminder of how much power we actually have.

Being told, “No” doesn’t mean we can’t actually accomplish that goal–sometimes it just means that we must work harder to get over a hurdle. Other times, like my son, the answer is “no” for right now and we have to accept that and move on. One of the options I offered was for him to write with a pen and paper. While he didn’t choose this, sometimes that’s what needs to happen–we have to choose a different option for accomplishing our task.

Resiliency is key when forced to come up with a different solution, but it can make us stronger and smarter. I’m definitely going to try to keep this in mind as I push myself to work harder to actually complete my goals and work through my problems.

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